Lily Evans's Diary
by Uno
Summary: Lily deals with love, life and Voldemort in her diary of her final year at Hogwarts.
1. December 26 - Boxing Day

Monday December 26th 1977.  
  
Boxing Day.  
  
4:30 pm.  
  
I know my sister Petunia far too well to imagine this diary is actually a christmas present from her and not purchased by my mother, but all the same I'm grateful to have it. I suddenly feel the need to try and get my thoughts into some sort of order, and to have a dairy as an organised and efficent way of doing this will hopefully make it easier. It's just like Remus always does whenever he needs to solve a problem: write it down and think about it in a sensible manner. Of course, I'm not entirely sure I can think in a sensible manner, but with this diary I shall endeavour to attempt to try.  
  
Right.  
  
Here goes.  
  
The sensible and organised way to do this would be to start at the beginning. Which would be the first time I met him.  
  
When I was eleven years old and standing in the middle of King's Cross train station surounded by strangers, with ten minutes to get on to a platform that, as far as I could tell, didn't exist, lost, alone, scared and almost in tears, a boy with messy black hair and blue-grey eyes came up to me and asked if I needed help. He said he noticed that I had an owl, and was wondering if I wanted someone to show me the way to get on to the Hogwarts Express. I was so relieved I started sobbing.  
  
That was years ago, the first of many times James Potter has saved me.  
  
James.  
  
Over the years James has been: friend, confidant, rival, boyfriend (two weeks in third year), tutor, pupil, hated enemy (the time he turned my teeth green and I spent a month plotting revenge), nurse (when I twisted my ankle), co-conspirator, accountant, crisis-counsellor...the list goes on.  
  
I am in love with him.  
  
I only realised this today, so you can imagine why it has been something of a shock to me.  
  
When I think about it, it was a stupid cause for an epiphany.  
  
We had a snowball fight. (James, Sirius, Peter and me.)  
  
My skin had gone blue and everyone was soaked by the time we all simultaneously gave up, because simultaneous yeilding is the only way the rivalry between James and Sirius has ever been settled.  
  
Anyway, when we got back to the common room everyone was taking off their coats and scarfs and settling down by the fire to warm up a little, but I couldn't get my gloves off because my hands were too numb.  
  
James, being the kind and wonderful and generally perfect person he is, saw this and came over to help me. He peeled off the sopping wet gloves, and began to rub my fingers to get some warmth back into them.  
  
And I just suddenly felt winded, like all the strength had been knocked out of me.  
  
It was very surreal. I was standing in the common room, which was the same as it always is, Sirius and Peter lounging by the fire like they always do, with James fussing like my mother like he always does and everything was perfestly normal except for the fact that I was completely different. Because I was suddenly so in love with James potter that I could hardly stand up. And the strangest thing was that I realized I had been all along, ever since that first day in King's Cross train station, and I hadn't even noticed.  
  
Eventually, when James was satisfied that my fingers were warm enough, and probably a little unnerved by my silence, he let go of my hands. I managed to clear my head enough to tell them all I was going to get changed into some dry clothes. Then I bolted up to my dorm, locked the door, sat down on the bed and burst into tears.  
  
That was two hours ago. After I stopped crying I changed, then sat on the floor with my back against the door staring silently at the wall like a crazy person for a long time, before deciding it would be more beneficial to write all this down and see how it looked on paper. Not very good so far.  
  
It is simultaneously a good thing and a bad thing that my dorm mates have all gone home for the holidays. Good thing because if they were here they would think I was a lunatic on account of me staring blankly at the wall for ages. And I don't feel emotionally equipped to answer probing questions yet and put up with Becca talking about her and Sirius's perfect relationship in a sickening manner for hours on end, pretending to use it to demonstrate a point, but really just bragging.  
  
It is a bad thing because this would be a lot easier if Jo was here. She is my best friend and is one of those people with the amazing talent of making everything seem incredibly easy.  
  
Still, Jo is not here, and so I will have to handle this on my own in a confident, competent manner.  
  
Damn. I just started crying again.  
  
  
  
  
  
Authors Notes.  
  
I read "Bridget Jones's Diary" all of today to try and avoid horrible maths assignment that is due Tuesday. Why do we have to go back to school? Why do holidays have to end? Why? Why?  
  
Anyway, it kind of inspired me to write this (though I bet you already guessed that).  
  
As always, comments are appreciated. I hope you liked it.  
  
Uno. 


	2. December 27

Tuesday Decmber 27th 1977.  
  
10:00 am.  
  
Yesterday I stopped crying when I realised how ridiculous it was for the Head Girl of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to spend all afternoon locked in her dorm bawling her eyes out because she is terrified by her own emotions. It is immature and childish, and I am much more sensible than that (Hah!). I wrote a long letter to Jo about realizing that I love James, but I suspect the reply will be "I could've told you that years ago!". Then I went downstairs so they wouldn't think I'd got locked in the dorm or something, to find James and Sirius asleep and Peter hard at work on his potions essay. So I helped Peter with his essay and everything was very normal except I kept thinking about how adorable James looks when he sleeps, and when the boys woke up we all played cards.  
  
I went to bed, but didn't get much sleep.  
  
This is the conclusion I reached last night: James must never know.  
  
We have been very good friends for a very long time, and it would be unfair to him to just suddenly be in love with him. I wouldn't want to spring that on him and simultaneously freak him out and ruin a perfectly good friendship. I think it is much better and easier for everyone, in the long run, if I just never tell him. Also, this means I don't actually have to tell him, which is excellent because telling him is a terrifying concept. Of course, it also means that I'll never know if he feels the same way. Because if he did…  
  
But he doesn't. Everyone knows he has a thing for Lisa in Hufflepuff, even though she won't give him the time of day because he filled her bag with spiders in second year, and she's never forgotten about it.  
  
I am kind of sad about all this. Love isn't supposed to make you sad, is it? But it does. Strange.  
  
I'm not going to burst into tears again.  
  
Instead I am going to go down to the hall and eat breakfast like a normal person and practise loving James from afar, as I can't love him any other way.  
  
  
  
  
  
Authors notes.  
  
Sorry its kinda short. I'm still working on the horrible maths assignment. Reveiw!  
  
Uno. 


	3. December 28

Wednesday December 28th 1977.  
  
9:30 pm.  
  
Today was freezing cold, even more than normal for Hogwarts in the winter, and it was therefore excusable to spend the entire day wrapped in blankets reading in front of the common room fire. Everything was very quiet and normal, which worries me now that I think about it. Things are never normal for very long when James Potter and Sirius Black are together. I am convinced they are plotting something, which would sound paranoid if it was anyone else, but with those two it is usually an accurate assumption. Sirius Black lives his life like a bomb waiting to go off, and believes in peace only as something to be shattered. I only hope that whatever-it-is doesn't involve me or poor Peter, who's nerves are still shot from the pixie-incident.  
  
Of course, you can forgive anyone for having shot nerves at the moment.  
  
Maybe I'll write about the reason why, about He-whos-name-we-don't-even- write-in-our-private-diaries some other time. Things have been quiet lately. Almost peaceful. And I've resolved to enjoy it while it lasts.  
  
Part of enjoying it is spending time with James. I never really noticed before, but he's got these incredible eyes. Blue-grey, like looking into the sea after a storm. He's got long, strong fingers. Perfect teeth. Seriously. They're all straight and white. And this smile…I've always loved his smile. It lights up his whole face, and then slips of the corners of his mouth to light up the whole room as well. And when he smiles at me like that, I can understand why it was so easy for me to fall for him.  
  
I never really stood a chance.  
  
  
  
Authors notes.  
  
Sorry this took so long. I hope you like it. Thanks again to everyone who reviewed! Especially Katie Bell, for pointing out my spelling mistake. Spelling has always been my weak point, but I've fixed it now! And thanks for the suggestion, but I really want Lily's diary to be something that's just hers. So she can be more open about what she puts in it. (Is it weird to talk about a character like they're a real person?)  
  
If you're wondering about the year this is set in, which you probably aren't but I'm going to tell you anyway, it's based on information from the website 'Harry Potter Lexicon', which has lots of good info on it.  
  
Anyway, thankyou for reading! Please tell me what you think!  
  
Uno. 


	4. December 29

Thursday December 29th 1977.  
  
9:00 am.  
  
Whoever furnished this school was obviously some kind of genius, because the one thing that compensates for this castle being built in a freezing cold part of Scottland by someone who much preferred stone floor to carpet is the fact that the beds seem to be made almost entirely of feathers. It is too cold to get up. I'm going back to sleep.  
  
11:30am.  
  
Sirius woke me up in the special way he has - by scaring me half to death, to deliver a letter that had come for me at the breakfast I missed. It soon became clear, however, that the reason he was willing to be delivery boy was so he could tell someone about the uproar he and James caused at breakfast, and I am the only person in the tiny student population that stayed for the holidays that wasn't actually present. Ha! I knew they were planning something. I don't really want to go into the vast and intricate detail of his and James's plan, because I don't want to spend the next hour writing it. Suffice to say that there were a lot of spiders (James's trade mark), a noisy chicken and five minutes of total chaos before Dumbledore calmed everyone down and gave James and Sirius both detentions. I thought it was a bit harsh to give someone a detention in the christmas holidays, but Sirius assures me that Dumbledore was lenient and McGonagall wanted them to get a months worth. The victim was a third year, who hadn't really done anything to James and Sirius except  
  
1) be a Slytherin, and  
  
2) be on an opposing quidditch team  
  
which is enough in their book to make them mortal enemies for life.  
  
When he had gone, after first proving that deep down inside he really is a wonderful person by revealing he'd bought me up a danish for breakfast, I read my letter, which went:  
  
"Lily, you silly cow, why did it take you so long to realise that? We've been speculating for years now on when you two are finally going to get together. Don't do anything, make any move, reveal any feeling until I get there, because you really are hopeless sometimes. Be calm. See you soon. Love, Jo."  
  
A brilliant response, but I am slightly disturbed by the idea of all my friends sitting around discussing me having feelings for James that I still wasn't aware that I had.  
  
Good advice, though. Be calm, Lily.  
  
  
  
Authors notes.  
  
As requested, Harry Potter Lexicons url - http://www.i2k.com/~svderark/lexicon/  
  
Thankyou to everyone who reviewed. I love that people like my story!  
  
Uno. 


	5. December 31 - New Years Eve

December 31st 1977.  
  
10:30 am.  
  
Sirius decided to wake me up again today. I think it's a symptom of missing Becca. He always manages to do it when I'm having pleasant, James filled dreams. Then I feel something jump on my bed, open my eyes to find Sirius almost nose to nose with me, an evil smirk on his face, and nearly crap myself.  
  
I screamed and jumped up in the air, in the process bashing my forehead into his. Then I started to yell, while he sat there and cackled to himself.  
  
'Sirius Black! What on earth are you doing? Stop doing that! Stop laughing! What is wrong with the boys at this school? Aren't you aware of the fact that this is a girls dormitory? For girls! Have you no concept of the idea of privacy? Or of how inappropriate it is for you to be in here?'  
  
'You don't mind it when James comes in.' He grinned at me. He knew that he was right, and he knows I hate it when he's right.  
  
Because James does come in here all the time, and I don't mind it at all when he wakes me up and drags me out of bed in the middle of the night for whatever reason. For help studying, or because they need an extra person for one of their pranks, or because everyone else is asleep and he wants someone to talk to. He's been doing it since second year, when he desperatly needed help cramming for the potions exam the next day, and everyone else was asleep. Sirius and Peter are practically unwakable, and James know better than to try to wake up Remus, whos calm demeanor evaporates when someone disturbs his slumber. So he comes to me instead.  
  
I said, 'That's different!', because I had to defend myself somehow.  
  
Sirius raised an eyebrow at me. 'How?'  
  
'Because it is perfectly acceptable to wake someone up in the middle of the night, but just cruel to do it first thing in the morning.' Ha!  
  
'It is Ten am, Lily. Hardly first thing in the morning. And I have a good reason.'  
  
'Which is…?'  
  
'Although you've spent the last three days doing nothing but reading and talking to James, I'm sure even you have noticed that tonight is New Years Eve. As those of us who reguarly stay here for christmas know, Dumbledore has a little party with some rather spectactular fireworks. And then we all have to be in bed by twelve-thirty, which in my opinion is a crime against teenagers everywhere. Obviously the only option is to rebel. So I have taken the liberty of planning something else for afterwards. Just an intimate little gathering of my closest companions in friendly surroundings for the purpose of enjoying the christmas present my brother sent me.'  
  
'So you, James, Peter, and me in the boys dorm with the bottles of Ogdens from Rigel?'  
  
'Exactly!'  
  
'Sounds like fun…'  
  
'You don't have to come!'  
  
'You woke me up to tell me about a party I don't have to go to?'  
  
'You seemed rather reluctant about waking up, to tell the truth. Maybe your dream was too nice? What were you smiling about? Or should I ask who?'  
  
At which point I smacked him on the side of the head with my pillow, and he had to run out of my reach to the door so I couldn't smack him again.  
  
'Are you coming or not?' He asked from the doorway, seeming pretty pleased with himself.  
  
I had to think for a second. We all know that students caught drinking on Hogwarts grounds are lucky if they get just get suspended. But we also all know that you can get away with practically anything at Hogwarts as long as you can do it quietly in your dorm. And when was the last time I did something fun? The last time I did something un-head-girl-ish?  
  
'Alright. I'll come…'  
  
'Great!' Sirius yelled, and then tore off, presumably to tell the others.  
  
Oh, dear god. What on earth have I gotten myself into?  
  
  
  
  
  
Authors notes.  
  
Hmmm. I'm not entirely sure why I decided to write a drinking party into this story, because I didn't see it as part of the plot line when the idea popped into my head but I thought it might make a short, interesting diversion.  
  
Thanks to reviewers, especially Shining Star for views on math that are just like mine.  
  
Tell me what you think!  
  
Uno. 


	6. January 1st - New Year Day

Sunday January 1st 1978  
  
New Years Day.  
  
Dreadful day.  
  
After Dumbledors lovely fireworks last night, we went back to the boys dorm for irresponsible underage teenage binge drinking. Sirius had a couple of bottles of whisky, and had somehow managed to get hold of some vodka (nasty stuff), and we started doing shots. My memory of anything that happpened after Sirius handed me my first vodka shot is pretty hazy.  
  
I woke up this morning in James's bed, drooling into his pillow. He was sprawled on the floor with his head on Peters foot, while Sirius was wide awake noisily trying to find something to ease his hangover. A bit later, at his mad suggestion that we should all go down to the hall and eat a proper breakfast of bacon and eggs, I threw up on James shoes. Fortunatly, it's impossible to disgust the boys, but after that it was just too humiliating to stay.  
  
I was just heading through the common room to my dorm for a nap when McGonogal came in and hurried over.  
  
'Miss Evans! Where have you been? Have you forgotten that you are suposed to tutor Miss Milton every morning this week? She's been waiting for over ten minutes!'  
  
Actually, I had forgotten that I'd agreed to tutor Sally (who's hopeless at charms) as a favour to Professor McGonogal. I managed a weak 'I'll be there in a minute, Professor,' (why must she talk so loud?) while she looked me over critically.  
  
'My Goodness! What happened to you, girl? You're a mess!'  
  
I hadn't had a chance to look in the mirror yet, but if the boys are anything to go by, I would have been displaying definite signs of party wear-and-tear.  
  
'All night study session.' I lied, while thinking 'Oh god that's so transparent. I'm going to be suspended!'  
  
I wouldn't have beleived what happened next if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. Maybe it was a late christmas miracle? She gave me a knowing look, opened her mouth to start telling me off, and then appeared to change her mind.  
  
'I see,' she said, 'Well, studying is no excuse to forget your responsibilities. Get cleaned up. I expect you to be in the transfiguration classroom with miss Milton in ten minutes. And I don't want you studying all night again. It's not good for you, and next time I will have to take action. Do I make myself clear?'  
  
Completely astonished, I said, 'Yes, professor,' while she swept away out of the common room.  
  
What followed this was two painful hours of trying to teach Sally how to do a summoning charm, with most of her objects dropping halfway through their flight, except for the blackboard eraser that managed to hit me in the back of my already throbbing head.  
  
When we entered the great hall for lunch, the boys were deep in conversation, and I swear I'm not being paranoid, but they all stopped talking the second they saw me. This sort of thing continued for the rest of the day, with James beeing unually quiet, Sirius giving him knowing looks that made James blush, and Peter obviously trying not to laugh. I got increasingly worried and nervous, and eventually cornerd Sirius when the other two went off to the library.  
  
'Sirius, what on earth is going on with you three today?'  
  
He started to grin at me. Sirius loves to be the bearer of bad news.  
  
'Lily, I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.'  
  
'Come off it, Sirius. Just tell me. Then I won't have to throttle you.'  
  
'You are grumpy when you're hungover, aren't you?' Seeing the murderous look on my face, he went on, 'I wouldn't like to make you any angrier. I'll tell you, but I don't think you're going to like it. You don't remember anything that happened last night at all, do you? So you don't remember snogging James for about five minutes in the corner?'  
  
'I - What?'  
  
'Yup. I thought we'd have to prise you two apart with a crow bar, but you actually stopped because you had to puke on the carpet, and then pass out.'  
  
I sat down, buried my head in my hands, and said 'Sirius, if you are lying about this, I am going to rip your head off and stuff it up your arse.'  
  
He laughed at me and said, 'Don't worry, Lily. James doesn't remember it either.' at which point I was no longer able to stomach the embarrassment, and fled up here again. Oh god. Cannot believe it.  
  
I have had my first kiss and I do not remember it.  
  
I have kissed James and I do not remember it.  
  
I have thrown up in front of James twice in one day.  
  
James doesn't even remember kissing me! I am forgettable! And also, probably a tramp.  
  
Cannot believe it. I will write my new years resolutions, and then write to Jo.  
  
  
  
New Years Resolutions.  
  
I will not drink ever ever ever again in my life.  
  
If I do, I will not snog anyone.  
  
I will not get annoyed with any of the following people, no matter how irritating they are sometimes: Becca, Sirius, Petunia, Sally Milton, Lisa in Hufflepuff, Angus Jones, Snape, Peter.  
  
I will do all homework early, and not leave it to the last minute and have to stay up all of the night before it's due, and burst into tears at three in the morning because I'm so tired.  
  
I will do better in potions, and as a head girl.  
  
I will learn to be patient.  
  
I will find all the library books I've lost and return them.  
  
I will not obsess over boys in general, and James in particular.  
  
  
  
  
  
Authors notes.  
  
Sorry this took so long! I've had writers block again.  
  
I'm thinking of changing the chapters system, so I put more than one day in a chapter. What do you think?  
  
Review!  
  
Uno. 


End file.
